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| By itself, that sentence isn't particularly significant-seeming. At most I'll get something like Tony saying "You really should've done that months ago anyway."
But it is significant. To me anyway.
I left the TV with her, because I wanted to show I was committed to making things work. The TV was the one wedding present we got that I was most wanting, and I left it when I moved out because I wanted to show my belief that things would work out.
I didn't know, then, that she'd already made up her mind. That I was doomed even before moving out, because she'd decided even before I knew she wanted to split. But even when I found all that out, I still believed things could work, things could change.
That she hadn't given up completely, that she meant what she said the day I moved out. "I don't want to lose you." "That's why you're doing this - so you don't have to."
I've held on to a little piece of that all this time. Even though she had a boyfriend, I let my emotions get the better of my rational thought. Because that's what I do. I know things I don't believe, and I feel things I know aren't true.
So I held on. Way past the point where most people I know would say to me, "Move on already, you can see nothing's changing, why do you still..." and I wouldn't have a good answer, because I'd know better.
I still feel otherwise. I still think that if she changed her mind tomorrow I'd be willing to try again. It would hurt--but all of it hurts anyway, because I still have moments, hours, days where it feels fresh and new, as if the scab's been ripped off and the wound re-inflicted in the same spot.
I wish I didn't feel, sometimes.
I don't wish I was dead, nothing like that. That I felt dead, maybe. So thinking about everything wouldn't make me need to take a break from whatever I was doing, so that going to our apartment--hers, now--to return the vacuum and get the TV didn't end with me tearing up and clenching my hands so tightly the nails dug into the palms, just so I could drive home safely. That I didn't see the big ditch I drive past when I go to work and have the flash of a thought about how in the winter it might be icy, and a skid-out might happen. That I could sleep through a night straight through.
That I wasn't terrified, now, of deciding. Because I don't feel like I know how to make a right decision, anymore, and any choice is as good as the next anyway. Move away from here? Stay and try to rebuild? I just don't know, and after everything I feel like I don't know how to figure out what right even would be. I go to work, so I can pay my bills, so I have somewhere to go when I'm not at work. I spend time with friends partly just so I don't have to be alone - and I spend time alone so I don't feel like I have to hide from my friends.
And every now and then I just get so filled up, and vomit on whoever happens to be listening, and then I feel horrible, because I don't want to be a burden to anyone, I want to be a supporter and I know, logically, everyone needs to be supported sometimes and that goes for me too. But like I said above - knowing it's true doesn't help me feel any less burdensome when it happens.
I guess my point is...I don't really have a point. A purpose. I'm living right now for the sole sake of continuing to live. Which is better than the alternative, I guess, but it's not much of a life, in my mind. I want to be living for others, and right now it's all I can do to hold myself together enough to not feel like I'm wishing I wished I was dead.
I wish things had turned out better. But they didn't. And they won't. So I got my TV back today. And I cried.
A day in the life of the penguin.
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| I was reminded today of something I'd forgotten - thinking at work is really good for my sort numbers, really bad for my emotional state.
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| ...but I decided to do this again, just to see where I am now as opposed to the last time.
-Spell your name backwards: dluog nahtanoj
-Birthdate: 8/18/86
-Birth place: Cincy
-Current Location: Harrison, OH
-Occupation: Amazon.com sorter
-Eye Color: blue
-Hair Color: blonde
-Zodiac Sign: Leo, if it matters.
-Describe yourself in 4 words: Tired, listener, friend,distant.
-Who is your worst enemy? I have no enemies. That I know of.
-If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? Right now I just want a cat.
-What is the latest you've ever stayed up? A week or so...
Describe your...
-Wallet: brown and devoid of money. *checks* Ooh, give bucks!
-Jewelery worn daily: None.
-Sunglasses: No.
-Cologne/Perfume: none of the above
-CD in stereo right now: ...I don't actually have a stereo...I do have a music mix I've been consistently listening to...it's kinda calm/depressed/spirit-lifitng-ish all at once...
-Tattoos: No.
-Piercings: No.
-Makeup: Not in a long time...
-Do you like candles: Yeah. When I have them.
-Do you like hot wax: Indeed...
-Do you like incense: I should get some.
-Fetishes: None that I'm aware of at this point.
-Do you like sex with gerbils?: Er...um....no?
-Do you believe in love: Yeah.
-Do you believe in soulmates: I...don't have an answer right now.
-Do you believe in love at first sight: I don't think so.
-Do you believe in forgiveness: If I don't then I'm in trouble.
-Your fears: ...if I want to tell you I'll tell you.
-One thing you'd like to achieve:
-Your most overused phrase on aim: Heh.
-The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Face and friendliness.
-Your favorite curse word: Honestly...I tend to run the gamut. 
-Sing well: Some people think so.
-Want to go to college: *back
-Like high school? I'm glad to be out.
-Been on stage: Yes. I liked it there, most of the time. But I hated it too.
-Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Not extremely intoxicated...
-Best eye color: I have no opinion on this matter.
-Best first kiss location: Good question.
Four beverages you drink frequently
-1. Water
-2. Coke
-3. Iced Tea
-4. Mike's Hard Pomegranate Lemonade (if we stretch the meaning of "frequently"
Five tv shows you liked when you were a kid
-1. Mr. Rogers
-2. The Wacky World of Tex Avery
-3. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
-4. Looney Tunes
-5. Wishbone
Four places to go in your area
-1. Miami-Whitewater Park
-2. Northgate Mall
-3. BW3's
-4. Home
Four things to do when you're bored
-1. Read
-2. Write
-3. Talk
-4. Video Games
Four things that never fail to cheer you up
-1. Friends
-2. Cats
-3. Depressing Music (...)
-4. Random Internet Pictures
Four things you can't live without
-1. Friends
-2. Music
-3. Food
-4. Air
Seven things you dislike
-1. Dishonesty
-2. Major Social Events
-3. My job
-4. Recent life events
-5. Exhaustion
-6. Dishwashing days
-7. High gas prices
Seven things on your desk
-1. My computer monitor
-2. DS Lite
-3. Computer speakers
-4. Notebook-as-mousepad
-5. Cell phone
-6. Small calendar
-7. Modem
Artists/bands/people should give a listen to
The Last Troubadour
...I have got to get back into finding music you've never heard of.
FAVORITES
-Fave food: Tamale balls
-Fave color: Black
-Fave movie: At the moment, I'll go with Mirrormask. This one is quite mutable though.
-Fave Animal: Dusty, my parents' cat who's now scared of me because she no longer recognizes me most of the time.
-Fave Holiday: I don't really have one.
-Fave T.V. Show: Firefly...I don't care if it's canceled. If you want current, Dollhouse.
-Fave Actor: I don't really have one.
-Fave Actress: I don't really have one.
-Hottest Girl: I have no answer.
-Fave band: Chandler and Phoe...oh, you mean of my friends?
-Fave Hangout: I guess my place, since that seems to be where I mostly hang out with people.
-Fave sport: I don't really have one.
-Are you in a relationship right now: No...not now.
-Pepsi or Coke: As a drink, Coke. As a company, Pepsi.
-Beach or Snow: Snow
-Rainy or Sunny: Rainy
-Square or Circle: Does it matter?
-Dark or Bright: Dark
DO YOU...
-Have a best friend, if so who: Not really...several, I guess.
-Speak another language: I used to have a basic grasp of Spanish, and tiny pieces (likfe a few words, tops) of Japanese, Russian, French, Navajo, and German. Most of that's long gone though.
-Drive: Yes.
-Have a car: Yes
-Who have you known the longest right now: Mark and Geoff, of people I still talk to, outside of my family.
-Who do you talk to online the most: Beth, followed by Tiffany, I think.
-Who do you talk to on the phone most: ...
-Who do you trust the most: I hate these questions.
-Who listens to your problems: Friends, when I don't want to hold them in any longer.
-Who do you fight with the most: Nobody, right now.
HAVE YOU EVER...
-cussed someone out: Yes.
-gone a day w/out eating: Not in memory, specifically, but I think I did at some point.
-talked on the phone all night: Yes.
-been in bed w/the opposite sex: Yes.
-been out of the country: Canada and Mexico.
-told a guy/girl you loved them: Yes.
-kissed someone you didn't know: No.
So there it is. The newest snapshot of me.
 | Currently
Amélie
By Audrey Tautou, Mathieu Kassovitz, Rufus, Lorella Cravotta, Serge Merlin
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